i think God is trying to tell me something ...

For the past couple of days I have been thinking about vulnerability.

What a scary word to even type.

As some of you may know, winter is not a kind time to me. I am solar-powered (as my friend Celeste so succinctly put it) and during the short, cold days of winter I really struggle. I struggle with my attitude, with my energy level, with how I relate to other people and with my motivation. I try to do what I can - eat well (apparently broccoli helps?), take vitamins, exercise and use my sun lamp (however, those things are so unbelievably hard to do. so unbelievably hard!!). Right now I am totally out of my routine while I am living with Janica and I can tell in so many ways.

Even though I am out of my routine and all I want to do is curl up in a ball, God is not letting me. I still have to get up and go to work, to AWANA, and to church. He is not letting me off the hook in my ministry opportunities, even though I look for every chance I can get to slack off and not do what I need to do. I still have to do my school work and I still have to interact with those around me.

Anyways, the whole being around people thing has made me think more about vulnerability. Even though I have the tendency to be out-going and blurt out things that I am thinking, that is just the surface me.

The real me is hidden away, deep within my walls. Sometimes I slip open a gate and let someone sneak in. However, that gate shuts pretty fast behind them. Or, I do a mass cleansing and kick everyone out. Even myself. Even God.

And that is where a lot of problems come in. I have built such a wall around myself that I am not letting the most important person of all in.

The ladies that I work with are doing Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself Bible study right now, and I must admit that while I answer the questions, I am not doing a lot of soul searching. It is definitely surface level and that is where it is going to stay, thank you.

What is the good in that? If I cannot be authentic with God, who am I truly being authentic with? Even though I may share or go a little bit deeper with some people, what am I truly sharing?

I would argue that it's definitely nothing of substance!

So, I have been thinking about that lately. Thinking about ways where I can open myself up, become vulnerable and share what is truly inside of me. Because I think it is important to be authentic. Ya'll don't need to know my deepest, darkest secrets, but if I can't even tell you the littlest thing about the true me, then whats the point? What kind of life am I modeling? If I can't trust God to use who He truly made me to be, what in the world am I doing as a missionary?

All of these thoughts have been swirling around in my head, and I have even been letting a couple of them settle for a bit. I might soon send them back into the swirling abyss, but for the merest of a second, God has caught my attention.

Tonight was one of those moments. I was glancing through my Google reader, where I have many unread blogs. 43 at the moment. Lately, I have been reading my favorites and letting the others stack up until I have the time to read them.

Something (something? really? or perhaps Someone?) made me click on one. She is not a regular poster, but someone who I definitely enjoy reading when she does write. She has a beautiful way of putting things and really has the ability to make me think (lucky for me, I even know her in person! I will admit that is not something that is a prerequisite for my blog roll). I would highly recommend you go read what she had to say today in her post about All The King's Horses (doesn't the title itself pique your interest? even a little bit?).

So, pray for me. Pray for yourself. Pray for your mother, your sister, your brother, your father, your husband, your daughter, your niece, your boyfriend, you son, your nephew. Pray that we would all be willing to live a life of vulnerability. A life where we are willing to be authentic before God and before man.

Pray for our hearts. Because it hurts when you are vulnerable. It hurts when you throw open the gates and welcome people into your fortress.

But what kind of army is an army of one? Life is a battle and I pray that I will be able to march into the fray with an battalion standing behind me.