ministry

This weekend I came to a realization and I need to rant about it for awhile. Are you ready to hear it?

Ministry is not all about showing everyone around you how hard you work. Ministry is not about doing the dishes, cleaning the dining hall, running activities or cleaning the bathrooms.

Ministry is pouring into people.

That's what ministry is about. That's why I am a missionary.

Of course, washing dishes and cleaning cabins and answering phones are all important parts of making sure ministry can happen. It is no excuse to slack off, but I think we need to adjust our attitudes about that. There is NOTHING wrong with taking some extra time to talk with people and letting the dishes sit there for 1/2 hour. There is NOTHING wrong with letting the floor be a little bit dirty if it means the difference between a person's needs being met or not.

The reason I was thinking about this is because this weekend was the Ladies' Retreat, which means us staff ladies are not put on the schedule for dishes, for the kitchen or to really run activities (except for horses, just because its only ladies on staff that know how to do that job :-) ).

I went into the weekend with a terrible attitude. I am a bit of an agoraphobic and I don't really like being forced into group activities. I wanted to be where I am comfortable - in the kitchen or something else behind the scene. Or at least, able to choose the level that I interacted. I was whining to my boss and just being a pill and he told me to get out there and do ministry!

I did and I'm glad. I was blessed by my interactions this weekend and really did have a good time. But, at the same I was blown away by my perspective change. I was so busy being a Martha and proving my worth to be in the ministry by my works that I was missing my chance to be Mary and sit at Jesus' feet, listening.

There are a couple of reasons for this, one being what my job is. I am the secretary. I answer phones, print things, deal with the bookkeeping, etc, etc. Yes, I know my job is essential to the ministry. Yes, I know what I do frees others up to do ministry. But, at least let me be honest. This is a job that could be done at any corporation. There are times I have a hard time remembering what I do is for eternity's sake, because it feels very much like its for temporal sake.

So, then, because I am in full time ministry and my full time ministry position is working a "regular" job, then doesn't it make sense that work has become my version of ministry?

This weekend, as I sat at Jesus' feet and met Him through His people and His Word, I was reminded of how much of ministry is people. Without people, there is NO point to ministry.

i wanna be like Mary

lately i have been reading a lot of random blogs (ok, ok, not just lately. unless lately counts as the past 2 1/2 years) and it has been interesting to me where God keeps taking me.

links about marriage. links about personal faith journeys. links about struggles. links about illness. links about God's miraculous ways. links about life.

links that bring me to a point of awe of God. links that bring tears to my eyes. links that make my heart swell. links that make me smile. links that make me think.

so, i do what Mary did. i treasure them in my heart. what will God do with them? i have no idea. but, i know He has a plan. and i know that no thing in life is an accident.

sunshine

This morning when I woke up the sun was shining. What a hallelujah moment that was!

As those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile know, I do not do well without sun. I am solar powered. So, that makes living here in the frozeness a bit difficult. The winter does not shed a lot of light upon the situation. However, I have come to expect that and know that spring is comin.

Then, we got to spring. And spring? Well, spring has been about what winter was. Except, to me, it has been worse. After all, I got through winter. I went through December 21- March 21, knowing that spring was coming and the sun was coming back. Then, spring decided to play an extended April Fool's joke on me and not come. However, today it came.

So, I did my little exercises and went on my merry way to work. Except work? Well, work wasn't merry. Work was a lot of things, but not merry. Luckily I was only there for an hour before I went to Bible study and spent a couple of hours talking about faith.

Faith. Ahhh. Now there's a merry sunshiney topic! Sometimes. When I'm not letting my emotions rule my faith. When I'm not letting my humaness get in the way of my belief. When I'm not getting my butt kicked by Satan's lies.

So, after this morning I came home for lunch. I was thinking about work and I was thinking about Bible study and I decided to make this a non-entertainment lunch. So, I drew up the blinds in my bedroom (I dislike blinds. I dislike curtains. I dislike things that close me in. I never put my blind back up in my living room after taking them down to clean. I have blinds in my bedroom and my bathroom for modesty sake and that is it.), and was enjoying the sunshine pouring in throughout my house.

Then, I went and looked in the mirror. Do you know what I saw? I saw all the imperfections that unnatural light hide. The sunshine, the wonderful glorious beautiful sunshine, brought forth everything that I like to pretend isn't there.

It showed my zits and my worry lines and my uneven skin tones. It showed my unbelief, my hardness of heart, my emotional vacancy, my pettiness, my jealousy, my uncontentedness, my shallowness.

That's a tough thing to see when you're just trying to enjoy the sunshine. Here I was, just soaking in the wonderfulness of God and He chose to highlight those things that aren't my best feature.

Why didn't I see my laugh lines or my caring expression? Why didn't I see love or joy or peace or patience or kindness or goodness or faith or gentleness or self-control?

Perhaps it is because I lost it in the gloom of the clouds. Perhaps it is because I let down my shield of faith and let the arrows of Satan pierce me. Perhaps it is because, just for a little bit, I was choosing to live in a dungeon, not on a moutaintop.

So, tomorrow? Tomorrow, when the sun is shining, what will I see? I don't know. But I do know that the Lord's mercies are new every day. I do know that He brings the sunshine and He brings the rain. I do know that He brings the joy and He brings the sorrow. And I do know that He brings the conviction and He brings the restoration.

i think God is trying to tell me something ...

For the past couple of days I have been thinking about vulnerability.

What a scary word to even type.

As some of you may know, winter is not a kind time to me. I am solar-powered (as my friend Celeste so succinctly put it) and during the short, cold days of winter I really struggle. I struggle with my attitude, with my energy level, with how I relate to other people and with my motivation. I try to do what I can - eat well (apparently broccoli helps?), take vitamins, exercise and use my sun lamp (however, those things are so unbelievably hard to do. so unbelievably hard!!). Right now I am totally out of my routine while I am living with Janica and I can tell in so many ways.

Even though I am out of my routine and all I want to do is curl up in a ball, God is not letting me. I still have to get up and go to work, to AWANA, and to church. He is not letting me off the hook in my ministry opportunities, even though I look for every chance I can get to slack off and not do what I need to do. I still have to do my school work and I still have to interact with those around me.

Anyways, the whole being around people thing has made me think more about vulnerability. Even though I have the tendency to be out-going and blurt out things that I am thinking, that is just the surface me.

The real me is hidden away, deep within my walls. Sometimes I slip open a gate and let someone sneak in. However, that gate shuts pretty fast behind them. Or, I do a mass cleansing and kick everyone out. Even myself. Even God.

And that is where a lot of problems come in. I have built such a wall around myself that I am not letting the most important person of all in.

The ladies that I work with are doing Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself Bible study right now, and I must admit that while I answer the questions, I am not doing a lot of soul searching. It is definitely surface level and that is where it is going to stay, thank you.

What is the good in that? If I cannot be authentic with God, who am I truly being authentic with? Even though I may share or go a little bit deeper with some people, what am I truly sharing?

I would argue that it's definitely nothing of substance!

So, I have been thinking about that lately. Thinking about ways where I can open myself up, become vulnerable and share what is truly inside of me. Because I think it is important to be authentic. Ya'll don't need to know my deepest, darkest secrets, but if I can't even tell you the littlest thing about the true me, then whats the point? What kind of life am I modeling? If I can't trust God to use who He truly made me to be, what in the world am I doing as a missionary?

All of these thoughts have been swirling around in my head, and I have even been letting a couple of them settle for a bit. I might soon send them back into the swirling abyss, but for the merest of a second, God has caught my attention.

Tonight was one of those moments. I was glancing through my Google reader, where I have many unread blogs. 43 at the moment. Lately, I have been reading my favorites and letting the others stack up until I have the time to read them.

Something (something? really? or perhaps Someone?) made me click on one. She is not a regular poster, but someone who I definitely enjoy reading when she does write. She has a beautiful way of putting things and really has the ability to make me think (lucky for me, I even know her in person! I will admit that is not something that is a prerequisite for my blog roll). I would highly recommend you go read what she had to say today in her post about All The King's Horses (doesn't the title itself pique your interest? even a little bit?).

So, pray for me. Pray for yourself. Pray for your mother, your sister, your brother, your father, your husband, your daughter, your niece, your boyfriend, you son, your nephew. Pray that we would all be willing to live a life of vulnerability. A life where we are willing to be authentic before God and before man.

Pray for our hearts. Because it hurts when you are vulnerable. It hurts when you throw open the gates and welcome people into your fortress.

But what kind of army is an army of one? Life is a battle and I pray that I will be able to march into the fray with an battalion standing behind me.

my lesson in grace

Last night I went to Grace Fellowship. And while I was there, God taught me something.

Grace Fellowship was started 20-30 years ago by a group of area women. (one of them being my amazing boss. she seriously is amazing and wonderful and so very, very wise) Five times a year the area women gather together for a meal, a special feature (last night was about decorating on a budget) and someone shares their testimony. It is a great time for non-Christians to come to a non-threatening atmosphere to experience God's love and a great time for Christian women to get together and fellowship.

The speaker was sharing her testimony about how God had worked in her marriage to bring her and her husband together to form a team. And of course, she shared from Proverbs 31. Because what good Christian can share about marriage and being a good wife without quoting Proverbs 31 or I Corinthians 13 or Ephesians? (the answer is none!)

My response was to start the eye-roll. The thoughts going through my mind were not necessarily flattering.

"Seriously? This is what you're going to share? Don't you realize how over-used this Scripture is? In the whole Bible can't you find SOMETHING else?"

And then God slapped me upside the head. (let's be honest - I totally deserved it!) I was struck with the thought that no Scripture is over-used. Because it is a living, breathing thing that has power all the time in all situations. Just because I was lucky enough to go to youth group and a Christian high school and a Christian college and be part of a great Bible study and be a missionary at a camp where I hear a Biblical message on a regular basis does not make the message any less powerful.

Maybe I didn't need to hear that particular reference last night (cause, um, well, the whole wife thing? not really my status in life at the moment), but who is to say that the woman sitting across from me didn't need that exact message? Who is to say that my unsaved neighbor is listening to what God has to say about being a wife and goes home and reinvents her whole marriage? Who am I to limit God's power?

For Such A Time As This

It seems that I come back to the book of Esther over and over again. Of course there is a part of me that loves the fact that she goes from a regular girl to a queen. But there's more to it than that. It's just part of one verse, but that simple phrase impacts my soul.

"And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?"

And with that Esther is thrust forward into the next part of her life. She has a choice to make. It will either end badly or just the way it was meant to. All of us face moments like that. It is up to us what we do with them.

When new and scary (or different) things start happening, what is the typical response? There is some fear, some doubt, some stressing. Finally it reaches the point that a choice needs to be made. Either we deny the working of God or square our shoulders and push forward, resting in the knowledge that we serve a mighty God who loves us.

It is then our job to pray. We must pray that God will give us the willing spirit and discernment. We must pray that God will give us the strength to endure whatever comes our way. We must pray that God will give us a supernatural love for the people surrounding us. And we must pray that God will give us the strength to say, as Esther said, "If I perish, I perish." Service takes sacrifice, whether that be our lives or just the dreams we hold dear.

Oftentimes, once we are past a situation, we look back and see a more complete picture. While something seems to have come and broadsided us, often that is not the case. Instead, God had been working in us for days, months or even years previous. He was getting us ready for the moment when we would say "for such a time as this."

I was contemplating these thoughts today as I was on my solo. On the last Friday of staff training, we send the summer staff off to spend 6 hours alone with God. It is a time of rest, conversation and silence. As a full time staff, I was only able to take about 1 1/2 hours because of other commitments, but it was still a great time. This summer we are facing many challenges. There are not enough staff and too many campers! Because of this, my job description will most likely expand. I will either be spending most of my time down in the barn or with campers as a counselor. Part of me screams in silent terror - trying to convince God that I was not called out here to do that. I was called to answer phones and balance checkbooks remember?? But another part of me has peace. For God has called me to Trail's End to be His servant. Not only to Trail's End, but to this world. If I cannot step forth and get out of my "job" than what is the point?

So please, join me as I enter into this next phase. As I learn that I was placed here for "such a time as this."