Epiphany

So, after my last post, I did some thinking. And celebrated my birthday.

And, an epiphany has come to me.

I was putting so much pressure on this single day to be AH-MAZING, when in reality, there was no way I could make everything happen that I want to happen. It put so much pressure on me, so much pressure on Luke and those around me, and it left me in a puddle of tears at the end of the day from broken expectations (sometimes figuratively, but sometimes literally. poor poor Luke).

So, anyways, the epiphany. I was thinking about this last night on our way home from a very fun dinner with my in-laws. My birthday just happens to fall on the same day as my father-in-law's, so we celebrated together at Ruby Tuesdays, which was special and fun. But, it wasn't a huge gesture, and there were no fireworks. And I had spent the day wrangling 2 very precious, but very rambunctious boys (let's talk about the biting and toy throwing another day mmmkay?), so it really had been just another day.

But, what if I stopped putting my focus on just that one day? What if instead I made a list for the coming year, and simply saw that day as a beginning, a fun opening sentence on what is sure to be a great story? Instead of having all sorts of expectations for one day, I put together a list of expectations for that year. And, then, here's the kicker, I make them happen.

A dinner party outside with friends? Well, let's get on that. Buy some twinkle lights, make Luke build me a table, and blam. Go forward with that.

Get a tattoo? Well, I need to finalize a design and find a tattoo artist and make an appointment. And screw up my courage, but you know.

Volunteer somewhere. Learn some more about web design. Etc, etc, etc.

Instead of having a golden birthday, I have decided to have a golden year.

And really, I think that just sounds much more fun.

(oh, and for the record, Luke did come through. he always comes through. he got me some fun presents, let me order the steak I wanted at supper, and he picked me the most gorgeous bouquet of flowers and wild grasses. what more does a girl need?)

expectations and the wreck they havoc

It's my birthday this week.

Not just my birthday, but my GOLDEN BIRTHDAY.

Yup, that's right. I turn 29 on the 29th.

I remember being a little girl, and hearing about golden birthdays for the first time. My brain really likes doubles like that, numerically speaking, so it became a big thing to me. Buuuuuut it was FOREVER away. Like years and years away.

And now it's not. It's only days away. And so I want it to be a big deal. I want it to be a big thing. It's a once in a lifetime thing. I'll have big decade birthdays, well, once a decade. But a golden birthday? I only get one shot.

It should be a day speckled with light, and love, and laughter, and that should Instagram perfectly (if I had Instagram), and I should be wearing an outfit that makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, and everything should fall into place, and it should be suffused with this wonderful glowy light so it looks just like all those pictures you see on Pinterest of perfect days and perfect moments.

Sigh.

Poor, poor Luke.

But that's not real life is it? My birthday is during the week, so my husband will have to go to work, meaning I'll be home with the kids. I'll still have to feed them, and me. I will have to wash the dishes, do the laundry, change diapers, and keep children alive, for pete's sake! (well, not really for Pete. but, since he is my brother, I'm sure he would like his nephews to keep on keeping on).

We don't have anything in our life that looks like the pictures. No table sitting under the trees lit with Christmas lights, and canning jar lanterns, surrounded by beautifully and perfectly done decorations. A meal that just happens to take place during that perfectly glowy part of the evening when everything is soft and magnificent.

We don't live anywhere close to a city that has the 'it' place to be for dinner, where we can get dressed up in our finest pearls and suits, and head out for a night of drinks and dinner. Then someone can take a picture of me laughing, slightly blurry because I am moving with joy over the fact that someone set a plate of food down in front of me (that's why they're always so joyous in those pictures isn't it?).

It's not winter so I can't be bombing down a mountain wearing the perfect combination of warm clothes that are cutely adorable while my cheeks glow and my hair magically becomes long, flowing, and curly.

My life isn't a photo op. And it's a hard thing to reconcile.

Expectations really aren't your friend are they?

a random Wednesday in August

we have been taken down by the plague. it has been two weeks of coughs, cries, fevers, and runny noses. I succumbed a week ago, and it has been rough. last night I spent most of the night coughing, which means I don't sleep well, and neither does Luke.

it's not a great way to end a summer.

and as a result, I feel behind on everything. my house suffers, my eating habits suffer, working out is a joke, the bookwork I do for my brother is not done promptly or extremely thoroughly, and it's all I can to keep the boys alive, let alone keep them on a prompt schedule and diet.

and the worst thing? I don't get to interact with many people. my in-laws are stuck with us, so they get to share in our germs. but, I was raised that if you're contagious, you don't go anywhere unless you have to. not to church, not to hang out with people, etc. I had to cancel a playdate I had really been looking forward to two weeks ago, and I haven't been able to reschedule because she has a wee one I don't want exposed to this. and our good friends just had a brand new baby girl I can't wait to get my baby-craving mitts on, but I had to stay a good 5 feet away when we went to see her. I want to be able to bring them meals and help out, but I can't. and there's another little baby I need to get myself up to MN to see pronto, but can't, because, once again, plague.

ugh.

so, we have been spending lots of time watching Gilmore Girls and Curious George (watch da monkey! is a common refrain heard from my 2 year old), drinking hot Chai, and just feeling cruddy.

I'm over it. time to get well, time to finally enjoy the last vestiges of this summer, weird weather and all.

speaking of weird weather, my toddler is all confused as to proper weather attire. last week it was quite chilly, which maaaaaybe explains his choice of wearing two winter hats on a 90 degree day?

the boots are an all weather accessory however. he can put them on himself, and mommy is all over that!

Facebook No More

About a month ago I made a decision I never thought I would make: I deactivated my Facebook.

Those of you who know me, know this is a very big deal. I signed up for Facebook eons and eons ago, pretty much as soon as it became a 'thing'. In fact, I had to pretend I went to the college I went to my freshman year, because the community college I was at for my sophomore year didn't count, and back then it was only for college students.

I have hours upon hours trolling the site. In fact, I shudder to think how many days, weeks, and potentially months of my life I have spent looking at pictures, reading status updates and finding people I used to know.

But, when I moved away from all family and friends to live in small town Montana, hours from the nearest Walmart or fast food, it was a blessing. I was able to share pictures of my life, and my friends were able to share pictures of theirs. As I developed friendships with camp staff that came and went every summer, we were able to keep in touch.

Then my new husband and I left Montana and went to Alaska. Then we left Alaska and went to South Dakota. Then we left South Dakota and went to North Dakota. Then we left North Dakota and went back to South Dakota.

And everywhere we moved, Facebook came with. Grandparents could see their adorable grandchildren we produced, and I could see all the adorable children of my nearest and dearest. It made me feel like a part of their family, even though I didn't get to see them enough, and they don't know their Tante Rachie on sight.

Wow, I'm quickly typing myself back into reactivating my account!

But, it might be awhile yet. While I am sad that I am missing out on the news of babies, engagements, or just their average Tuesday night, I am amazed at how much more boring the Internet has become. I still have my blogs that I read, and those are wonderful, but there aren't as many links to click, or picture albums to browse, and that means I get to walk away that much sooner from my computer. Perhaps not as soon as my children would like, but I can tell a difference.

 

Pictures that have nothing to do with the subject matter, but what is a post without pictures? Especially now that I don't have a Facebook account to share them on!