Sunday, November 23, 2008

Identity Crisis

Once again I am stuck. Do I want to do this? Do I want to follow through on what I have started?

No, I am not talking about leaving my job. While I definitely do have those days (there is that honesty thing!), right now is not one of them. This fall I struggled with moving on from Trail's End for awhile, but one day God just got me over it. And since then, I am content. Whenever God takes me somewhere else I will go. Until then, well, here I stay.

But I digress. Back to the original point of this post. School. Specifically do I continue the course that I have set for myself (and that I felt God leading me on?). This fall I signed up to finish my Bachelor's Degree (I have my A.A. in Liberal Arts - which means "generals") and started taking my first class. However, I am not sold on my degree choice. At all.

This fall I have been doing as much thinking as time allows and I have decided that I really am more of a people person. Which is not exactly a shocking revelation coming from a secretary. But right now I am working on a degree in Business. Yes, I know business deals with people. Yes, I know business is practical. Yes, I know that one of the reasons that I followed this was to have a degree that would be flexible.

But, shouldn't I enjoy some part of school? Shouldn't I be understanding more of what I am learning and why it is important? Since I am going back to school after time off, shouldn't I be more excited? Shouldn't I not hate it with almost every fiber of my being? Shouldn't I be following a course that doesn't make me a constant whiner?

Or should I just grow up? Should I just realize that college is hard and it is stretching me for a reason?

The other thing that I am struggling with is finances. I really really really REALLY wanted to do these two years without student loans. (oh and by two years, I meant eight. apparently, at the rate I am working through my classes, I will finish my B.S. in 2016. now that's something to look forward to!!) But that is not possible. So, what do I do? Find a cheaper school? Perhaps consider that God is calling me into traditional school where I would be eligible for more financial aid and scholarship? But, that would involve leaving Trail's End.

Oh, I don't know what to do!! My first class ends in a couple of weeks, but the good news is that my next class wouldn't start until January. So I have a couple of weeks to make a decisions.


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