No propane does not a happy Rachel make!

Can I whine for a bit? Well, since this is my blog, I am going to take the privilege. Now, I must admit that I am trying really hard to keep a mature attitude. And for the most part I am succeeding. With most people at least. But here, and now, and in this blog, I am going to throw a temper tantrum. Because I have reached my limit!

On Monday I headed back over to Montana. Ya know, the place where I actually live and minister? Well, I must say that it was a little rough getting the journey going. First, I had to deal with getting new tires. (ucky expensive, but I have lovely parents who chipped in half! so I was able to get two new tires - what a blessing they already are!) However, after getting snowed in last weekend so I couldn't come back when I was supposed to come back, I noticed that my car had developed this creepy shake. So, I had to delay my leaving on Monday so that I could go to the tire place. (part of the delay can also be blamed on my not turning my alarm on. whoops! i got an extra two hours of sleep that morning)

Anyways. I was heading back on Monday and after making a couple of stops (a very necessary Ginny stop and another very necessary Maurices stop to get jeans) I was getting closer. Well, I got to Dickinson (coincidentally the place where I got some similar bad news the year before when I was coming home) and got the news that my house had run out of propane. Well .... that's never what you want to hear in the middle of winter. Fall, Spring and Summer - that's a different story. But, Winter in Montana? Nope. Not what you want to know!! And so, all my pipes froze. Every last one of them. And since my house runs on hot water heat, well, let's just say it isn't pretty.

So, I went home and unpacked all my stuff and repacked (it was something I HAD to do. I could not just go home and dump everything all over. looking back, it was definitely the right decision! the guys fixing my house are making a big enough mess) and headed over to Janica's house. Where I have been staying ever since. She's been so good to me! I really really really appreciate her hospitality and her willingness to let me crash here.

But. (there's always a but isn't there?) I am SO ready to be home. In a bed. In my own space. With the ability to close the world out and just be for awhile. I am an introvert. And you know what introverts need to survive? Alone time. Time to recharge. And I was really needing some after spending a solid week and a half with people all the time. Winter is not a good time for me. I am not a fun, lovely people person during the winter. I am more Oscar the Grouch. I need my sunlight!

So, I am here, crashing on a couch until further notice. Everyday getting more bad news. Sigh. It's just so exhausting!!!

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

New Years resolutions. Not something that I have ever done before. It was never a big deal in my family or among my friends and so I cannot ever remember setting an official New Years resolution.

I think in part that it has something to do with the fact that throughout the year I set resolutions for myself. And then I break them. And then I get frustrated with myself. And then the cycle starts all over. Not fun!

Also, most New Years resolutions are so typical. Read your Bible everyday. Pray for at least an hour a day. Lose 20 pounds by Feb 1. Walk 200 miles in two months. On and on and on and on. All variations of the same theme. The theme that we are not good enough. The theme that we need to improve ourselves. The theme that God somehow screwed up with us and we need to fix what He did.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think that self-improvement is a worthy goal. I think that God asks us to look inside ourselves and work on some issues. However, when we are doing it, I think we need to examine why we are doing it. Are we trying to better ourselves to glorify God through ourselves? Or are we trying to improve ourselves so that we are better, skinnier, holier than the person sitting next to us?

The following is a paraphrase of scripture I found here. I love it. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy. And sometimes, when I reach the point of feeling far away from God, I want the warm and fuzzy. And the "huh" that goes through my brain when being overwhelmed by who God is.

And so, while this is in no way a New Years resolution, I would like to take this in and embrace it in my life. How will I let this (and by this I really do mean God's love and care and discipline in my life) affect the way that I live and interact and worship and serve?

I made her. She is different. She's unique. With love I formed her in her mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember with great pleasure the day I created her. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh and the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure. (Psalm 139:17)

I made her pretty and not beautiful, because I knew her heart and knew she would be vain. I wanted her to search out her heart and to learn it would be Me in her that would make her beautiful and would draw friends to her. (I Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way that she would need Me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be, only because I want her to turn to Me in her loneliness. Only because I need for her to lean to and depend on Me. I know her heart. I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own way and forget about Me, her Creator. (Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things because I love her. (Psalm 84:11 and Romans 8:32)

Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart and the tears she has cried alone. I have cried with her and had a broken heart too. (Psalm 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone, only because she would not hold My Hand. So many lessons she has learned the hard way, because she would not listen to My Voice. (Isaiah 53:6)

She is mine. I made her then I bought her because I love her. (Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her, to renew in her what I want her to be. It has not been easy for her or for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My Image. This high goal I have set for her because I love her. (2 Corinthians 2:14)

Roadblocks

It appears every time I turn around I am hitting a roadblock! Literally. In the form of winter storms.

I ended up coming back to my home state for Christmas and then had plans to journey further on between Christmas and New Years. For a couple of reasons. Namely, to visit my dear dear friend Jenny. Who worked at camp for one summer and then ditched us. Something about God having other plans for her life.

My other reason is a bit more ..... non concrete. I have been very bored and restless with the ordinary lately. I am crying out for adventure and it isn't happening! I think I place too much emphasis on what I imagine adventure to be and then when my expectations are not met I end up throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old. The only difference is that I do mine internally. For the most part. At least most of what I externalize is coherent. Most of.

Anyways. I was all set to leave bright and early this morning. So I come home last night (pretty late ... after spending 6 hours at Perkins .... but it was lovely!) and check the weather. What do I see? Michigan is covered in a winter storm warning. No where else. Just Michigan. Exactly where I want to go. Roadblock.

After discussing it with my family and listening to their wise and sage advice (and not what I wanted to hear!!) and trying to make other situations work to our advantage I had to give up on the dream to see my Jenny. Sigh.

So, now what? Well, since my home state is Minnesota (are you noticing a trend with the M's in my life? Cause I sure am!) and I have been east, west, and south of here, there is only one direction to go.

Canada here I come! One of my brothers has graciously given up his plans (well .... he didn't really have any so I didn't have to twist his arm too hard) to come with me. So, Lord willing we're going to head out on the road in the morning. If, ya know, the winter storm that we are supposed to get doesn't hit. Roadblock!

On a cheery note for the day - since I didn't leave at o'dark thirty this morning I was able to go to my home church. My lovely, fun, growing, full of people I love church. It was great!

I felt like I was in high school again. My best friend ended up sitting with me and my mom and we laughed and giggled and poked each other and told secrets through the whole service. While paying the utmost attention of course!! Mom gave us dirty looks and passed us notes. What fun!

Ya'll came to my blog today to see my smiling face right? RIGHT?

Well, why else would you come?

So to oblige, here are some pictures from the past few weeks.

(Oh and the ya'll comes from me reading a highly entertaining blog from down south. However, I can't lie to you. I have started to throw it into the mix of my own vocabulary. Slowly. Just a few here and there. And it's not from reading her blog either. Its just something that feels normal. I like to build things up naturally so it's not a huge shock. Obviously. Cause I'm just like that. I mean I started mentioning moving to Montana a loooong time before I did ... err .... does 3 weeks count?)

Picture #1 of my smiling, face ::

Whoops! Well .... it is of my face! That counts right? Plus it's not just my face. You can also see the faces of some of the fabulous Christian people that I share my town with.

Picture #2 ::
See, smiles all around! This my friend who teaches at a country school close to where I go to church. Yes, a country school. As in, 1 room, 3 kids of varying grades, and in the middle of nowhere. My hero! We were at THE annual event for Christians to be at. Imagine us all getting together and eating food and listening to singing. And guess what! I was part of the singing. No really. I was. STOP IT! I can hear ya'll from here! It wasn't a solo or anything. Just a group song. And I sang softly. So there!

Picture #3 ::
I have this habit of taking pictures of myself. Almost everywhere I go. Mostly it's for one of two reasons ::
#1. I travel alone a lot. Therefore, there is no one to take a picture of me in a cool place. And that's just sad! So my skills as a self photographer have much improved!
#2. I get bored and antsy very easily. Especially in group settings where I don't have a role. It is just a hard situation for me so I must entertain myself. Especially when I am not involved in a conversation. So I take lots and lots of pictures of myself. To the amusement of those around me. Hey. I just like giving people something to talk about!

Anyways. This picture was taken at our staff Christmas party last week. It is one of three variations. I chose this one for several reasons. None of which are important, so I'll just move along.

Picture #4 ::
This isn't of me. (Did I ever mention that people around here call me Captain Obvious? Still a little fuzzy on that one ... ) This is one of my good friends, with whom I spend lots and lots of time. He was anxiously waiting for his turn in the gift exchange.

Picture #5::
Here is my other good friend with whom I spent lots and lots of time. I say spent because he is leaving us today. Something about family obligations and the Army sending him overseas. To which I say whatever! Well, actually I don't. Cause it's cool that he is willing to serve. And I am honored to be a friend to a serviceman. But he's still going to be missed! There is just going to be something weird about having only two of us. Sad.

I would like you to compare his picture with the one of our other friend. Cause he had already taken part in the gift exchange and received what he had been wanting for awhile. As in a long time. And so he was content. Content enough to ignore everything else that was happening around him and take a nap. Apparently he didn't want to share in our joy!

Picture #6::
These two darling, funny, Southern (there's that ya'll again!) packed up a U-Haul and left us to go back to the warmth. Coincidentally enough they left right when it got below zero. Coincidence ... right? They will be missed!

Picture #7 ::
Those two guys in the back are part of the coaching staff at our local high school. Which means they get volunteered for stuff. Like playing in charity volleyball games. So, we made them signs and went and cheered them on. Loudly. It was glorious! (oh and it's cause I work with them that I did this. just sayin'!)

Picture #8 ::
Now, for this, you need some explanation. Let's be honest. Ya'll(that's #3 and I think my quota has been reached!) are looking at this and thinking "hmmmm .... that's a lot of snow blocks ya got there." And the response to that is "yup!".

Now for the story. So, on Sunday morning I go to let my precious puppy outside at approximately 5:45. Now, thats sleeping in for her, so I was ecstatic! Anyways. I look out my door before I unlock it and I see this guy staring at my fence. AND THEN - I see another guy join him. Now, I know I live in small town and all that, but that's just creepy!! So I stare for awhile longer and I realize that I do indeed know them. WHEW!

Remember the guy taking a nap while wearing a Santa hat? Well, he had a brilliant idea involving my fence and lots of snow blocks. And he wanted it to be a surprise. I was supposed to go out of town last weekend but because of the storm decided to stay home, cuddled up in blankets, reading books and watching movies. That threw his plan off and so he had to do it in the middle of the night. Apparently they got to my house around 2 AM and worked until I caught them at 6. It was a mere -20 outside, so why not right?

a picture is worth .....

This picture was taken at approximately 4:53 AM Thursday, November 28.

There are several things of note about this picture:

1. It was very early to be taking pictures of Rachel

2. There are other people in the picture, which means I was in civilization.(see them? right there! no, not there. over there!! don't you see them?? really they are there!!)

3.We left at the lovely hour of 2:10 AM to be where we were when we were photographed.

4. Apparently I am a morning person. A very bright, gregarious, cheerful (insert obnoxious) morning person. Especially on two hours of sleep. I'm a joy to be around!

5.Also, apparently the people that I choose to go shopping with at o'dark thirty are not as much of morning people as I am. As evidenced by the "I will smile and give thumbs up with you, but only to placate you and really I just want to be sleeping or drinking a HUGE cup of coffee" smile my friend has going on.

6.I would just like to take the opportunity to point out that this trip was not my idea, I was just tagging along. Oh, and also that I did not have any caffeine. Nope. Not one sip of coffee, pop, cappuccino, chocolate or anything else that carries that deadly substance. This is all natural baby!

Identity Crisis

Once again I am stuck. Do I want to do this? Do I want to follow through on what I have started?

No, I am not talking about leaving my job. While I definitely do have those days (there is that honesty thing!), right now is not one of them. This fall I struggled with moving on from Trail's End for awhile, but one day God just got me over it. And since then, I am content. Whenever God takes me somewhere else I will go. Until then, well, here I stay.

But I digress. Back to the original point of this post. School. Specifically do I continue the course that I have set for myself (and that I felt God leading me on?). This fall I signed up to finish my Bachelor's Degree (I have my A.A. in Liberal Arts - which means "generals") and started taking my first class. However, I am not sold on my degree choice. At all.

This fall I have been doing as much thinking as time allows and I have decided that I really am more of a people person. Which is not exactly a shocking revelation coming from a secretary. But right now I am working on a degree in Business. Yes, I know business deals with people. Yes, I know business is practical. Yes, I know that one of the reasons that I followed this was to have a degree that would be flexible.

But, shouldn't I enjoy some part of school? Shouldn't I be understanding more of what I am learning and why it is important? Since I am going back to school after time off, shouldn't I be more excited? Shouldn't I not hate it with almost every fiber of my being? Shouldn't I be following a course that doesn't make me a constant whiner?

Or should I just grow up? Should I just realize that college is hard and it is stretching me for a reason?

The other thing that I am struggling with is finances. I really really really REALLY wanted to do these two years without student loans. (oh and by two years, I meant eight. apparently, at the rate I am working through my classes, I will finish my B.S. in 2016. now that's something to look forward to!!) But that is not possible. So, what do I do? Find a cheaper school? Perhaps consider that God is calling me into traditional school where I would be eligible for more financial aid and scholarship? But, that would involve leaving Trail's End.

Oh, I don't know what to do!! My first class ends in a couple of weeks, but the good news is that my next class wouldn't start until January. So I have a couple of weeks to make a decisions.

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!

I am a huge blog addict. My Google Reader is filled with subscription after subscription - many of people I don't know. I love the willingness of people to be real, to be vulnerable, to let others in.

A lesson I myself perhaps need to learn.